An Abridged Oral History of THE WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM

As reported by NFL Insider Adam Schefter on the morning of 7/23/20, the franchise formerly known as the Washington Redskins will be calling itself the “Washington Football Team” pending the adoption a new name, effective immediately.

This is not a final renaming and rebranding for the team, continues Adam Schefter in a tweet. This is the name it wants to use until the pending adoption of a new name in the future.

Terry Bateman (Washington’s new executive vice president and chief marketing officer): You’re doing a rebranding process that correctly takes 12 to 18 months. If you want to do it right, you have to take a deep breath, take a step back and go through the process. 

NFL Twitter: LOL WUT

Bruce Allen (Former Washington team president fired on 12/30/19 after a decade long tenure): ROFLOL


In a statement released on 7/13/20, the team announced that they will be retiring the Redskins name and logo after the completion of a thorough review of the team’s name that was initiated only ten days prior. 

While originally called the Boston Braves during it’s inception in 1932, the Redskins name and iconography has been with the team since 1937 (83 years ago).

Daniel Snyder (Current controlling owner of The Washington Football Team, as told to USA Today in 2013): We’ll never change the name. It’s that simple. NEVER – you can use caps.

FedEx (Corporate sponsor of the Washington Football Team’s home stadium, FedExField): O RLY?

NiKE (Jersey sponsor of the NFL): Hold my beer.

Amazon, Walmart, Target, Dick’s Sporting Goods, etc: Hold all of our collective beers.

Daniel Snyder (Still surprisingly the current controlling owner of The Washington Football Team, present day): Oh word? 

Details of the team’s internal review of the Redskins name, while reported to have been quite thorough, has yet to be made public.

The Washington Wizards (NBA team, formerly known as The Washington Bullets): HA-HAH *in a very Nelson Muntz voice while mimicking the two Spider-Men pointing at each other meme*

Also included in the statement released on 7/13/20 was the revelation that (how the fuck is he still) current controlling team owner Daniel Snyder and Head Coach Ron Rivera would be “working closely to develop a new name and design approach that will enchance the standing of our proud, tradition rich franchise and inspire our sponsors, fans and community for the next 100 years.”

Ron Rivera (Head coach of The Washington Football Team): I have to do WHAT now?!

[REDACTED] (The Washington Football Team junior video coordinator and possessor of a cracked copy of Photoshop CS6): You want me to do WHAT now?!

Terry Bateman (Washington’s new executive vice president and chief marketing officer): We want to do it right, we want something thoughtful and inclusive and smart and bring a lot of points of views into this and come out the other side with something everyone is proud of and can rally behind.

[REDACTED] (Former graphic design major at George Washington University and burgeoning Instagram influencer): I asked them what their budget was and they actually told me. 

Virgil Abloh (Founder of the Off-White fashion brand and current artistic director of Louis Vuitton’s men wear line): Nah.


While an actual name has yet to be announced, an impending road block has since been identified in the form of a man named Martin McCaulay who has been busy trademarking possible and potential team names to replace the retired Redskins moniker.

Martin McCaulay (Owner of washingtonamericansfootball.com and part time ambulance chaser): It’s gotta be one of them. There’s no way they’re going through this season without a name. There’s no way! I got all the ones that make the most sense, they’d have to go through me. I know they’re dumb, but they’re not THAT dumb, are they?

As reported by ESPN, fans and the general public will soon be able to purchase Washington Football Team merchandise from Fanatics and the NFL Shop in the near future.

Daniel Snyder (In a since deleted tweet from a Cleveland Indians slash fiction burner account directed at Martin McCaulay): GOTCHA BITCH!

[REDACTED] (The Washington Football Team junior video coordinator who upgraded to sharing an Adobe Creative Cloud account with an intern from the marketing department): Alright, so did you want me to like buy some real fonts then?


On 4/29/21, after having secured the number one draft pick on the strength of an abysmal 2-14 regular season, the Washington Football Team shocked the league with their selection of junior quarterback Create A. Player from College University. Despite offering little to no explanation on why the team bypassed highly touted prospects Clemson QB Trevor Lawrence and Ohio State QB Justin Fields, interim Washington Football Team head coach and general manager NE COACH went out of his way to assure the fans that their newly minted quarterback of the future is the complete embodiment of the Washington Football Team’s forthright and inclusive culuture, fully committed to the team’s history of winning (a top selection in every single draft) and willing to change to whatever hair style or uniform configuration that you (the fans) decide is the dopest.

If he does happen to falter in any way on or off the field, we can always say fuck it and jack up all his sliders to 100. 

Whatever it takes to get the best possible product out there, the Washington Football Team will do it. 

Clearly.


Image by The Washington Football Team

0 Shares

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *